So, this entire thing stems from a conversation I had with the Dean today. She asked me very critical questions that I did not have the answer to. Answers I couldn't even bullshit my way out of. I can usually talk my way out of anything. But she probed and prodded into reaches of my choices that I had never thought about. Asking, if I knew why I wanted to get a PhD and in what. I mean, I kind of knew, but they are not based on anything solid. My ideals were sitting on a foundation of dreams and hopes that really had no basis in reality. The idea of being an intellectual, sitting around thinking, formulating, trying to solve the worlds problems is a pipe dream of mine. But in reality, professors don't do that. Its meetings, research, writing, teaching, finding grants, more meetings, program and curriculum development, more writing, sleep. I guess all the professors I have been mentored by where either fairly new to the field or getting ready to exit it. My History professors at Humboldt were young guys who had just obtained their PhDs and probably hadn't experienced the cutthroat nature that is academia. My sociology and education professors were all old and jaded. While they encouraged me, they never really warned me about higher education.
You know, no one ever questioned my goals or intentions years ago. I wish someone who had done so. I would probably have a clearer idea of what to do with my life. What to be when I grow up. I don't know why I didn't create a contingency plan for this nonsense. I am getting the "trapped" feeling again. I mean I have options, but I feel narrowed. Maybe I should feel that way, it will make me think what I should be doing with me life. I want to make a difference, that's my goal. I don't know if I can do that in public school. Shit is so locked down that I don't even think I could bring my own curriculum into the school. Everything is taught from the book for the kids to pass the tests. Hell I found a cartoon from Disney about Nazi propaganda and the first thing that came to my mind is how could I design a lesson plan around this. I don't know what to do. I can't teach in Oregon without a license, which I suppose I could go back and get one. I could get another Masters in something else, like Sociology or Business. But the Dean did say go and talk to other people at different schools. Maybe that's what I need to do. I will do that I think. First off however, I need to finish my thesis and find a job to pay the bills. That is the most important.
